I saw an interesting Twitter conversation the other day, regarding married or involved couples, who have friends of the opposite sex. It was something I definitely wanted to shed some light on and thought it would be an interesting for me to write about. The question that arose was, is having friends of the opposite sex this appropriate or inappropriate while you are married/in a serious relationship?
I decided to tackle this from both sides of the coin and invite my husband to render his opinion on the matter and with his permission, post his answer to my blog. I was very interested in getting his insight on the subject.
I have very mixed views on something like this, and it is because it all depends on trust, communication and intention. I think having a friend of the opposite sex in a relationship is not a total disaster. I believe that there are many factors and questions that arise in this sort of thing:
- How long were you friends before you and your S/O met?
- Does this friend KNOW your S/O?
- Have you ever had a previous relationship with this best friend?
I think these questions are important and I will tell you why. More than likely, the first and second question will go together for me. If I have had a male best friend since high school, then I am about 100% sure that this friend will have heard or seen #Bae at some point in the relationship. I mean, he’s my best friend, lol. Now the last question is where things get sticky for me. If you and your opposite-sex best friend have had a previous relationship, OR previous relations (hmm?), then you would really need to determine how your mate feels about something like this. I mean, are they comfortable with your best friend? Have you even told them of your past with said best friend? Also, how is the best friend post-relationship; are they comfortable moving on and remaining friends? Are they still pining at the thought of it being you and them again one day? This could cause potential sabotage of the relationship (it happens lol). Like I said, many questions, many aspects, very complex!
I feel that having a best friend of the opposite sex is ok, but also that person has to understand that with you being in a relationship, there are certain boundaries that do not need to be crossed, and certain rules come into play:
- He/she should be respectful of your relationship, and at least not disrespect it openly in front of you or your mate.
- Not have any ill intentions of you or your S/O (don’t be trying to break them up or nothing like that).
- #Bae has met him/her before and has talked to him/her. The “hidden” best friend looks a lot more sketch that them just being the opposite sex, lol.
Now, you have some situations where your best friend, becomes really good friends with your mate, which becomes a little easier because they then become a mutual friend!
My husband’s perspective is pretty similar to mine. He feels that as long as there has been formal introductions, and everyone is clear on their place and positions in that person’s life, having a best friend of the opposite sex is OK.
He also mentioned that having a friend of the opposite sex could also help you when you are having a problem or disagreement with your mate. I think this is beneficial, BUT you should be very careful. If you have that best friend with ill intentions, hearing about every little argument you have with your spouse could just be ammunition for them to make their move when you are vulnerable (very dangerous territory). I personally feel that NO ONE should know EVERY little argument you have with your spouse anyway…but that’s another post for another day, lol.
On the flip side of that, having an opposite-sex best friend could provide some clear cut insight on the whole “man v. woman” disagreements. I know there have been plenty of times I have wanted a male friend just to say “why do men do/say/act like/ etc, etc…..” Sometimes having someone of the opposite sex that’s in your corner, can help you with things like that because, DUH, they have first-hand knowledge, LOL. Sometimes, if you have an inside connection to finding out some of the deep dark secrets of how the male/female mind works, it might help you gain some perspective on a lot of things that we do, LOL.
When it’s all said and done, I believe that a lot of these types of things boil down to trust and communication, which I feel are the main foundations in any relationship, no matter what stage that relationship is in. My husband and I have no secrets; we are practically open books with each other. Because of that, I know who his close friends are and he knows who my close friends are, so for us, it has never been a problem. It also takes communication with someone to understand how they feel about things like this, and letting them know how you feel about it also. And again, as long as there are no ill intentions or motives, I think things can be OK.
Well, that’s about it for me and my husband’s opinion.
How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex: acceptable or unacceptable?