Nano is Approaching, This Time I Will be More Prepared

The last two Nano’s have been a complete mess. I gave up on myself within a week. The spark wasn’t there for me for a while, so I gave up before I could even get into the swing of it.

This year, I will be more focused; more disciplined. I have to, because I have to get this content out to the world soon.

I have about three projects I am working on, and I also am currently working on researching screenwriting. My dream is to have my PWF series adapted into a film; and I am the type of person to have a lot of creative control over the things I create. For that reason, I am going to do as much research I can, and I’m even willing to go to school for it if I have to, but I would like to expand my writing skills into several different genres.

But, back to the goal at hand. I am going to start practicing for Nano. I will start writing periodically throughout the day. Definitely between 930-1030 at night. Also on Saturday mornings after I leave the gym. I have to get a routine started now, so when Nano comes, I can hopefully be finished with my biggest project and be prepared to start the editing and beta reading phase.

Nano is coming people, we have to get ready!

Advertisements

Life After the Storm

Everyone has trials in life; and if you don’t, then I’d be hesitant to applaud you for never having a trying time in your life. But, again, it sounds like an exciting life.

For those of us who have experienced any type of negativity in our lives, knows that at times it is hard to accept that those things are like natural disasters. You can see the warning signs brewing, or sometimes it hits all at once with no warning. You try to take precautionary measures, you try to have an emergency preparedness plan for times like these; however, when the storm hits, nothing can prepare you for it.

As you’re holding on to whatever sanity and calm you have left, while the storm works overtime to try and take you up in its grasp, you do whatever it is you can do to bear down and weather the storm. The storm has immense power, it has the ability to destroy many things in your life; however, you feel you are strong enough to survive it. There are even times when you feel you may succumb to the storm and let it take over, but there is something very tiny and discreet within you that says “don’t give up.”

So, you have done all you can do, braved the storm, put your all into surviving the shit; and finally, it’s done. The dust settles, the smoke clears, and all you have is you and the remains. How do you pick up the pieces? How do you regain control? How do you find the happy again?

You take it one day at a time. You wake up each day, take a deep breath and appreciate life and that you survived a tumultuous disaster and are still standing. You give thanks where they’re due, and you keep on going. Eventually, things start to look clearer, the sun begins to peek out from behind the clouds, the air is a little crisper. The world is ready for you to resume being great and living life. Life is ready for you to remember that there is life after the storm, and it can be an even more beautiful scenery than before.

Been a While.

So, a lot has happened since my last post. Good things, but things nonetheless.

So, I moved. I fled the nest that I’ve known for 27 years of my life. It was very scary at first, and I don’t really think my body and mind have settled into the anxiety, but I did it and I’m ok with it. I am truly out in this world. Luckily, I moved close to my sister, and my dad, so I am not completely in this big state by myself; however, I still feel a level of independence from the world I have known my entire life. So far, I have been the “new kid” for about a couple weeks now and I’m itching to become a “regular”, but I know, all things in due time, lol.

It was shockingly bittersweet to say good-bye to my hometown; something that I thought would actually be easy to do, since I felt I had outgrown the place years ago. But, somehow, when I pulled out of my driveway on 6/21 for good, I felt a little down for a while. The place where I had made so many memories was now in my rear view. I was off to make new memories and make my mark in a new town; one I would hopefully plant my fully grown self and make a life. It’s definitely an adjustment, from living a few hundred feet from your parents, to now hundreds of miles, but I think it is for the best. It was high time for me to move on and spread these wings of mine, but I also feel that when it was time, I was put in the right position to move to the next chapter in my life.

So far, I am about 2 and a half weeks into my new job, which isn’t much different than my last job, except things feel a lot more relaxed here. I am currently doing training, which are a little redundant (especially because I know the basic structure of child welfare work, this is more like a 6-year refresher). There is not a lot of authoritative pressure and (dare I say it) bullying. I won’t get into that negative period in my life though; I’ve moved on, lol. So far, I’ve developed quite a bit of a routine that I am pleased with. I’ve joined a new gym (go Gold’s!) and gotten back into my lifestyle routine and I am happy about that. I think at this point, I’m just cruising and still getting to know my new place. So far, I have no complaints, and although the thought of how huge my county is, I think I’m up for the challenge now.

Look out NC, here I am.

Choose. Yourself. Every. Time.

So, a lot has happened in the last 12 weeks or so, things that have made my begin a transition into a new chapter in my life that I am so excited for. It also taught me a valuable lesson about myself.

So, in April, due to my own personal mental health, I took a leave of absence from my job. There were several things (most importantly the environment and that’s all I’ll say) that we’re getting to me professionally and personally and I needed a break. Well I took a very healthy break from that place. 10 weeks. In that 10 weeks, I realized that I had to start choosing myself, my family, my life, my health first. So I made the decision to finally cut ties with the job I’d known for almost 5 years.

May 28, I said goodbye to my old job; no second job lined up, no real plan. But i knew that I needed to cleanly break away. So I told them that after my leave was completed, I won’t be returning. I’m sure there were whispers, rumors, discussion about me; but I don’t care. This decision was made because of that kind of behavior and I was not about to walk back into that.

May 30, I had an interview with another state agency, same position but better pay. I went and interviewed, and that day I received a call that they wanted to move forward with me; only 2 DAYS after I quit.

Yesterday, after all the formalities, I got my official job offer from the state of North Carolina. I start in a week and a half. All it took was 12 days to secure my new plan. I’ll be in the same field, but in a different state and I’m thoroughly excited.

When I quit my job, I asked God to put what is for me in front of me. He wasted NO time. I thought I’d be sitting around with no job for months, but He knew all I wanted was to be in a positive environment doing what I love.

What I learned from all this was this: in life, sometimes you have to take a leap; a leap into the unknown and it’s very scary. It took months for my family to convince me that this was the best option for me. It took even longer for me to convince myself. I’ve wanted to quit my job for over 6 months, and i finally gathered the strength in May 2019. You have to trust that whatever is meant for you, is waiting on the other side of you to release whatever is toxic and negative in your life. Toxic energy and new beginnings cannot both fit into your life comfortably. And I’ve made the choice that toxicity has no place in my life. Plus, the people who want worse for you always end up LOSING in the end.

Please, don’t hold on to negativity. Release that crap and get what’s yours out of life. I wasted too much time holding on to negative things; fear, doubt, worry, that I have let life pass me by and it only led to mental health issues. Not anymore.🖤

I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life. I also need new work clothes…lol.

If I took anything from this experience in my life, and all the emotions tied to it, it is this; CHOOSE YOURSELF EVERY TIME. I’m done doing things out of the approval of others. I have started a life where I choose myself and I’m very happy with it. Now, onto the next chapter in life.

Stretching my Creative Muscles

Lately, I’ve had the urge to do more with my creative brain. Currently, I am a writer; I write poetry, prose, short stories, novels. That brings me peace, but I also want something that can make me explore and expand my creative ideas. I have been thinking about painting and photography mainly, as those are two things that I enjoy doing. I know there are so many different means of being creative, so the possibilities are endless.

I have been trying to do more of listening to my intuitions and following what my spirit is telling me. I have wanted to get into another hobby of sorts, and figure out what can evolve from it. Maybe I will start taking pictures and realize that it ain’t it for me, lol. Or I will realize that painting is an art form and a talent that I will never possess. Either way, I’m willing to give anything a shot.

So, I guess we shall see where this newfound urge to expand will take me :). Does anyone else experience this? Are there any other forms of creativity you have launched in your lives as a result of this feeling? I’d love to hear about it!

“You Don’t Look Sick” – Why You Should Stop Saying This

A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor to discuss an extension on medical leave that I had. I had a conversation with him about what I was experiencing in relation to my depression and anxiety. During the conversation, he made a statement to me that sort of bothered me. He said “you don’t look like the typical person to have anxiety. You look pretty put together to me.”

My response, which was a bit laced with sarcasm and irritation, was, “well, I’ve learned to live with it; and that’s not been the best solution to the problem.”

Now, I understand that this was 1. Not a psychiatrist or psychologist, and he probably didn’t mean it in a way that would have been condescending to me, and 2. He hasn’t been the one seeing me for the past five months, so he’s gauging his interaction of me off one visit; however, it did bother just a bit, because this is a statement heard all the time in a community of people suffering with mental illness, or an illness that doesn’t mean you “look sick” all the time.

I rarely did speak about the anxiety and depression I have gone through for this very reason. Because it was something that was not apparent, or something that was physical in nature, I continued to minimize it; even saying to myself, “well you’re not really sick, you’re just having a bad day.” I allowed myself to do that, all while putting myself through mental and emotional hell for not addressing it properly. Today, that is something I’m not very proud of, and wished I would have addressed these things sooner. I would possibly be in a better place on how to address it. For a long time, I refused to talk about what bothered me; most of the time I could not even develop a “valid” reason for my emotional mood swings or anxiety. Before I could allow anyone else in the help support me, I first had to choose myself and begin to find the healing in myself to accept that what I was going through was real, it was valid and it does require support, encouragement and daily motivation to get past.

I don’t really hold any ill will towards my doctor, but I honestly do wish that people would understand that anxiety and depression are very silent mental illnesses. A lot of people internalize their pain and symptoms. If they are like me, then they continue to move through life daily, doing what they have to do, sacrificing everything they have for others before helping themselves. I’ve always been like this, and only recently did I gain enough courage to admit to myself that I’m not ok sometimes, and that is something I shouldn’t be ashamed of. I’m proud to say that I have spoken up more about my anxiety, I’ve let friends and family know when I’m not having a good day emotionally, and I’ve received respect and understanding of that.

I know there are many people in this world who may suffer; some reading this post, and others who may know someone who suffers in silence. All I ask is that for those who know someone, please support them. Don’t push them too hard, but just be there for them. They need support more than anything because these illnesses are not easy to accept, nor are they easy to talk about.

Also, please, don’t tell someone who may be suffering that they don’t look like what your traditional ill person would appear to be. Just because an illness isn’t blatantly present, doesn’t make it any less real and serious.

Taking it one day at a time. 🖤

🖤🖤

Lessons vs. Lifetimes: Using Discernment in Meaningful Relationships

We all have encountered many friends, associates and experiences in life, but how do you know whether or not someone was placed in your life to teach you a valuable lesson, or to be there for a lifetime. I believe there is true discernment in allowing yourself to differentiate from the two. A lot of times, we find ourselves (for whatever reasons) holding on and letting go to the wrong people. I experienced this in my life first-hand.

I can remember a time when I allowed someone to stay in my life for longer than they needed to be, and also let someone go in my life that was meant to be in my life for a lifetime. In my opinion, it is important to discern who in your life is there to benefit you for just a period of learning a life lesson about yourself or about the world and the people in it, versus those who have planted a foundation in your life to be there for a lifetime; people who are meaningful, bring value to your life and uplift you in good times and bad.

With age, experience and time, I have been able to evaluate within myself who in my life has taught me a lesson; someone i no longer need, versus someone who has been placed in my life and i know will be there for the rest of my days. Here are a couple of things I have experienced in this area myself.

  • Life Lesson relationships:
    • they teach you things to take with you for the rest of your life;
    • they show you the positives and negatives about yourself,
    • when looking back, you will see the message that those people put into your life, and you are able to identify the very reasoning why they were in your life and what you learned from their impact in your life;
    • when the time is right, those people will drift away from you.
  • Lifetime relationships:
    • plant seeds that are built for longevity,
    • consistent positive influences,
    • able to hold you accountable when you are not holding yourself accountable, add necessary value to your life,
    • have a legitimate meaning to your life,
    • are able to be there consistently when needed,
    • no matter what happens, these people never waver or drift apart from you.

Do you know if you have the right people in your life for a lifetime, or are those people that are only there to teach you a lesson; but you continue to hold on to them, hoping they are built to be in your life for a lifetime? I believe now is a good time to sit down and evaluate the friendships and relationships in your life. Make the necessary determinations as to whether or not the people you have surrounded yourself with are people who are exhibiting qualities of someone you would want to be a lifetime person, or just someone who is here to teach you a lesson about life.