I always dreamed that when I had gotten to the point in my life when I would have children, I envisioned having boys. I didn’t particularly have anything against girls, but since I was a tomboy my entire life (and truthfully I still am), I felt like I was meant to have boys, instead of girls.
I was SO nervous about having a girl, because I felt like my level of “girly-isms” would not be enough, and I would spend most of my time looking at my daughter wondering what in the world we would do. Personally, I didn’t really like dolls, I wasn’t totally sold on painting my nails as a child, I HATED pink, I didn’t play “dress-up” or played in makeup or anything. I thought that not doing these things was basically setting myself up to fail as a mother to a daughter. I thought this would be TRAGIC for me, so I prayed for boys; nerdy little boys because I knew sports, video games and books.
When I got pregnant in 2013, I sort of changed my perspective on the preferred gender of my baby, and I was pretty excited either way. I figured, if I had a girl I would figure it out, and if not, we will figure it out together (yes, me and my baby would be sitting right in the living room looking at each other, trying to figure one another out). In December of that year, I found out the gender of my baby, and even at this point, I was still lenient on my position for gender, even though my heart truly tugged slightly in the boy column than the girl.
On that day, I got the most shocking news ever; I was having a little girl and I was surprisingly ECSTATIC about it! I couldn’t believe that I was so happy for having a girl, after my entire life of always speaking into the universe that I wanted a boy. I felt like this was truly what God intended of my life; to have a spunky, feisty little girl. Truthfully, I was more welcoming to the idea than I ever thought I would be (amazing what happens to you when you grow up).
When my daughter Kynnedy was born, I could only use one word to describe her; perfection. From the first moment I saw her, I loved her endlessly. She truly leaves me speechless. She’s the perfect combination of my husband and I; she’s smart as a whip, she’s funny, she has a sarcastic personality (even at her age, I can tell), she’s ambitious, tenacious, protective, loving, kind-hearted…basically any and everything you would want your child to be, she possesses those qualities. I watch her everyday do something or learn something that is far beyond her 2 years of life and I am at a loss for words.
I try hard not to be overly boastful about my daughter. I feel like bragging on her, telling everyone about all these milestones that she completes well beyond her years, will set an overwhelming level of expectation on her, and that is something I never want to do. I never want her to feel like she HAS to be great at everything. I said my child was perfection, but that is only within my definition of what perfection is. My child is still a toddler, which means she has an attention span the size of a flea, she whines, she pouts, she hates the word “no” and she has become accustomed to asking me “why” for every little thing. She has even managed to try and bribe me into doing more of the things I tell her NOT to do (like I said, wise beyond her years of life). She is a Taurus, which means she is stubborn to a fault, which even in her young age, she has managed to make it very plain and clear that she will do things in her time and when she’s ready, and not a minute more. She is very particular about things, and likes to have things in a certain order. She still has her moments, but for every moment I want to pull my hair out and cry from my toddler running my life, she gives me a reason to smile and keep me on my toes.
I tend to have about 50 different aspirations for my daughter every day. I feel as if she has the potential to be whatever she puts her mind to (yes, even at two years old, I feel like she knows exactly what she wants to do in her adult life). This past year she asked for a telescope for Christmas; not dolls, not a coloring book, but a telescope. Why? So she can look at the moon and the stars. I was blown away. Here is my little toddler talking about her own little version of astronomy. My husband and I receive so many praises on how smart she is and how amazing her personality is at such a young age. She is even pretty social when you get down to it (I don’t know how many strangers know my child’s name, but she is not afraid to tell people).
I pray everyday for her. I pray for her safety, her security; but mostly, I pray that she never loses the fire she has for life. I have never seen a happier human being than my own child. She is always happy and always smiling, and her laugh is infectious; you can’t help but feel the warmth of her innocence. I pray she never loses that; her ability to smile every day. I am not naive and understand that as she grows her emotions will change, and she and her moods will evolve, but in a world like this one, I want her to have something to hold on to that will continuously keep her joyful and happy.
Today’s society and peers are not the same as they were when I was a child. Sometimes, I fear my daughter having to go through a host of controversial things from body image to issues regarding her own self-worth and confidence. I grew up as an insecure person, and I hope that she never has to feel insecure about any aspect of herself. There is so much negativity in this world and so many opportunities for criticism, I tend to worry. You see so many things going on in this world now, and wonder how they will affect your children once they are old enough to understand, but all you can do is pray that the world will be a better place by the time your child is old enough to understand what’s going on around them.
I sometimes wonder if she is thinking the same things about herself, and if she ever wonders how blessed and amazing she truly is. I don’t know if she will ever understand how much she is loved and adored by our family.
Everyday is a new day for me to enjoy being her mother. It’s a new day to watch her learn something new, to make a new friend, to smile or bless me with her infectious laughter. I’ve loved her since the day I knew she existed, and no matter where the world takes us, the love I have for her will forever remain constant.