**Just my thoughts as a Black woman in this America**
You may wonder why I don’t say a word about the things I see happening to my people. You may question my dedication or enthusiasm to the “movement.”
Let me explain to you why I can no longer find the words to say my piece on the matter.
I don’t speak my mind much because I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted with hashtagging names, young and old. I’m exhausted with continuing to point out blatant miscarriages in justice.
I’m exhausted with the endless slaps in the face when officers are not brought to justice for the crimes committed when there is clear and convincing evidence to suggest that their outrageous and outlandish acts were not only cruel, but also excessive and egregious towards innocent people.
I’m exhausted with seeing crying mothers and fathers without their children; or babies who have to experience not having their parents in their lives at such a young age.
When the news came out the officer that shot and killed Mr. Philando Castille was acquitted, I couldn’t really form an opinion any longer, because it was no longer in my hands to fight. Just like other officers who were no held accountable for the blatant things they had done, I just could not find words to speak.
So, I apologize if I’m not outspoken about the topic. I apologize if I don’t always voice my opinion or let you know how upset or pissed off I may be. Sometimes I don’t say a lot, and maybe I should be more vocal. But sometimes, I wonder if I have enough energy to speak about it anymore.
Sometimes, the headlines make me numb. Sometimes, just seeing another post about an African American man or woman being killed unjustly makes me nauseas to the point where I don’t even want to speak. To this day, there are still headlines; I still see them come acroos my news feed or timeline. I hate to admit, but sometimes, I can’t even find the energy to click on them because I can’t read another traumatic story.
Sometimes, I need to scroll past video footage because I don’t want to see it; I don’t enjoy watching death on my timeline or news feed (and yes, more often than not, they get hidden). All of it is just too sad, but what’s even more disheartening, is a lot of people don’t have a voice for it anymore. They are just too tired of fighting an battle that doesn’t seem winnable.
I have no words for it, all I can say is it’s exhausting. One day maybe there will be some justice. Maybe one day we can rest easier knowing that we will be safer.
Until then, I still sit exhausted, and afraid that the next move I make may be my last.