Marriage May be A #OneAndDone for Me

I am also fearful. Who wouldn’t be fearful after you have already been down this road before? A classic song once said “The second time is so much better….”

I don’t know if I agree, nor am I willing to give the energy to finding out.

This decision is something I’ve been going back and forth about for a few months now.

The chapter of my first marriage is now coming to a close, and as I constantly sift through apps on an endless search for a possibly like-minded person who I can spend time with (I call it my worthless attempt at “dating in 2021); I find myself asking myself “Would you get married again?”

It’s a loaded question, because then I start thinking,

What if I never find anyone worth it?
Am I comfortable being single forever if that is the case?
If you don’t want marriage, what DO you want?
Are you really meant to have companionship?

I have had several different answers to that question; and I have straddled the fence either way. What I have come up with is that maybe getting married a second time may never be what I want again. Marriage will be a “one and done” experience in my lifetime, and I may have to learn to be ok with that.

Many different emotional responses trigger when I come to that conclusion. As I continue to process through how I feel on the matter, the number one feeling I struggle with is disappointment. When it comes to my first marriage, I continue to feel like a failure. As much as I tried to fight to keep it, I still lost. As much as I looked to my faith to guide me, it didn’t seem to be enough. Lately, it has made me reflect on all the years and all the situations and become enraged at the thought that all the time I invested in honoring my vows in the end didn’t matter.

So now I ask myself, why the hell would I go through that again if it failed for me the first time?

The other emotion I feel is detachment. I have not yet found the energy to really put forth the effort into even getting to know someone on a personal level. There have been attempts, but after a while it becomes redundant and goes nowhere. After spending so many years investing in one relationship, only for it to end, I constantly wonder if it is worth any more of my time and effort to pursue another serious relationship. Will I now go from being a serial monogamist to a serial casual dater? Has my level of commitment to a relationship now deteriorated because of my circumstances?

While I do long for companionship on some levels, others have not really provided enough reason for me to want to travel down a road of actually pursuing a sustainable relationship. Many failed attempts on the dating scene has also swayed my decision in some ways. What should be “fun” is nothing more than tedious, time-consuming and unworthy of the energy to put my proverbial “back into it”. It is something I continue to reflect on and meditate about; and maybe one day my mind may change. For now, I enjoy the 2-3 day conversations and let them wither away in the wind.

What I do know is, marriage may be a one-time deal for me in this lifetime. And since I’ve already experienced it, maybe I had my chance and blew it.