Im a quiet person. I don’t divulge a lot of feelings. I typically keep them inside and I cover up how I feel by smiling, laughing; being the “Whit” everyone knows and loves. And for the most part I don’t mind, because I need the smiles and laughter sometimes.
But today; today, I woke up and I was mad. And I wanted to hide it, but I said “why?” Why hide an emotion I’m entitled to have. Why try to fake like I’m ok when I’m really pissed off. So here goes:
I’ve been in a pretty shitty mood for a while now. Some days I do wake up and I’m feeling ok. Most days, I’m miserable. My self-confidence, my level of worth, my overall awareness has been hella low for over a year now. And I’m tired of acting like it hasn’t been.
I never really realized how it hurts the ego to know you’re not wanted. To have that blow to your confidence, to know you’re not worth someone’s time attention and love really fuckin hurts.
That shit really fuckin sucks.
There’s no other way to sugarcoat it.
It. Fuckin. Sucks.
My weight has been up and down; I don’t feel the best. My body hurts. I desire the urge to go out with people, but feel like I have no one to go out with. Its a freaking pandemic still and it looks like it’s on the verge of getting worse.
I am lonely; and maybe that’s my punishment for the shit I’ve done in my life; for my hand in how my life turned out. But you know what else sucks? Watching everyone else around me be happy. Or give off the perception of being happy.
I know you’re not supposed to assume how someone’s life is going; but human nature cannot help seeing someone you want to be miserable smiling laughing and happy and not feel a twinge of rage, jealousy or hate. If you don’t, then I truly envy you.
I know what perception looks like. I know what it means to put on a show. I do it all the time. I do it because I have a job I have to show up for everyday. I have a beautifully intelligent and wonderful child who is probably the only person keeping me going at this point. I have my home; my peace, my sanctuary, that oftentimes feels hollow but I’m working my ass off to fill it with positivity and joy. But sometimes, like today, I just want to mentally not be put together. I want to fall apart for a little while, and then put myself back together. I don’t think that’s too hard to ask for.
I don’t need judgment, and I don’t need pity. I just need the space to have a bad ass day.