COVID- 19: The Struggle is Real and I Don’t Know How to Feel

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*Sigh….*

I need to vent for a minute. Despite my joy and excitement for being a recluse in our current climate, I have to say, that this pandemic is effecting me a little more than I thought it would. I’m filled with more frustration than anything. Lack of answers, lack of understanding of some things, lack of control…it all gets a little overwhelming at times.

When all this first began, I will admit I was a little skeptical of it. I thought it was happening overseas, and that’s all it would be; a crisis in China. Once a case was confirmed in the US, I still was skeptical. I thought maybe it was just a fluke and it would just be some scattered cases, they would be treated and we’d move on.

Then more and more people began contracting and testing positive for the virus. Then the first case in my city was confirmed. This is when I got a little concerned. I started to think “this is serious”…and from there I knew things were about to get crazy. Now over 1500 people in my state have it. My county has over 50. And that’s only counting those who have been able to get tested and confirmed.

I know that for most, this is a much tougher time than it is for me. Despite the jokes and frustration, being an essential employee of an organization means I still have an income. It means I’m still able to provide for my family. I know it’s difficult for others because they’re not working, they’re stressed about how to maintain their lives; overall, this sucks! But I do count my blessings and be appreciative that there are some who are far more affected by this virus than me.

I also believe that even being essential has its mental struggles. From the moment this began, I worried about how and when I would contract the virus. Why? Because of the work I do. I work in child welfare, so I have constant contact with clients and families; families who may not know or have the ability to be tested and could have the virus and not be aware. Until they closed our office to the public, there were major concerns. Even with our public offices closed, there are still lingering levels of concern. I mean we all have personal lives, and we don’t know who we will come in contact with at the grocery store, getting gas, going to work. Social distancing is still difficult to accomplish in the work place when you have to have meetings and conferences with staff members and teammates.

I constantly wonder, “do I have it?”, “have I passed it on to my husband, to my daughter?” , what if someone I work closely with has it?” “What do I do then? Should I just take some time off and isolate? Can I afford to take time off at my job?” I guess at this point, if I had/have it, then I do. I don’t even want to run the risk of attempting a doctor visit, because if I’m not emergent, they probably will just tell me to self-isolate (I also have no symptoms, so why bother getting turned down right now?). It’s also very hard to keep up with what’s current, what’s old news and what’s new news.

I think overall, this is a crazy time for everyone. I just continue to meditate and hope that this will not tear the country a part.

I know this may be a little scatter-brained, but I needed to get it off my chest. This is stressful for all people, from any walk of life; and what I see is criticisms from all sides. The truth of the matter is, EVERYONE is suffering: kids who can’t go to school, seniors who are missing graduations and proms, college grads, elderly, young people, essential businesses, small businesses, essential workers who brave the pandemic everyday, non-essential workers who are struggling financially. This pandemic is not funneled to just one part of the world, the WHOLE WORLD is affected.

Let’s all just pray, meditate or do what you feel comfortable that better days come.

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