FYI: This will be a post full of a full fledged vent. Something I feel we all would like to do, but feel like it’s not allowed when blogging. Well, screw it. We’re going to jump right into it.
2019 did not go exactly how I planned; scratch that, it did not go AT ALL how I planned. I have had a lot of things go completely out of whack, either physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I write this, feeling somewhat disappointed in myself. Here we are, in the last quarter of 2019, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.
I don’t want to confuse the two things; good things, with things that were not planned, because there were things that happened this year that I am proud of. I took a leap of faith and moved to a new state, started a new beginning with the same field of work and I feel great professionally. I have no complaints and do not foresee me having any for the foreseeable future.
Personally, things fell a part around March. I took a 10-week hiatus from working because I felt like I was deteriorating mentally. I bounced back slightly in June; however, life still just seems to not be as meaningful as I hoped it would be.
I know that I have an issue that needs to be addressed, but when? How? Hell, sometimes I even ask what’s the point? I don’t think I will ever get over feeling the way I do. I know I need to rectify what is going on with me mentally because it directly impacts my mood, how I interact with people and how I am perceived. I just, don’t even have the motivation to fix it, because I don’t know if it will work.
Sometimes I just want to scream. Like, why me? Why do I have all these issues? Why can’t I just get over it?! It makes me furious that I have to manage this along with so many other aspects of my life. I sit around sometimes and I just feel like shit. I don’t know how to explain it or where it comes from, it just happens. Some days can be a very irritable day for me, others can be very emotionally taxing for me. For example, I can feel emotionally I am beginning to crash and burn for the day, and it is only 11:30 am! I want to feel better and what sucks is I have to admit I cannot fix it by myself. I have to seek guidance on how to navigate this foreign part of my existence. Otherwise, it is only going to make me recluse further and further into a deep and dark place.
I’m still working on properly articulating the things I feel on a daily basis; trying different techniques, trying meditating again (I will post more on this on a later date), and just trying to be more in tune to myself individually and what makes me happy. I’m hoping with this, I can begin to heal what parts of me hurt the most, but if it doesn’t help, then I will go back to the professional route. I haven’t revisited it, due to me not wanting to be medicated. I cannot stand having a regimen of pills outside of my vitamins. I’m hoping that if I tune into the natural aspects of life, I can find a way to have better days ahead .