Frustrated AF.

FYI: This will be a post full of a full fledged vent. Something I feel we all would like to do, but feel like it’s not allowed when blogging. Well, screw it. We’re going to jump right into it.

I feel….lost.

2019 did not go exactly how I planned; scratch that, it did not go AT ALL how I planned. I have had a lot of things go completely out of whack, either physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I write this, feeling somewhat disappointed in myself. Here we are, in the last quarter of 2019, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I don’t want to confuse the two things; good things, with things that were not planned, because there were things that happened this year that I am proud of. I took a leap of faith and moved to a new state, started a new beginning with the same field of work and I feel great professionally. I have no complaints and do not foresee me having any for the foreseeable future.

Personally, things fell a part around March. I took a 10-week hiatus from working because I felt like I was deteriorating mentally. I bounced back slightly in June; however, life still just seems to not be as meaningful as I hoped it would be.

I know that I have an issue that needs to be addressed, but when? How? Hell, sometimes I even ask what’s the point? I don’t think I will ever get over feeling the way I do. I know I need to rectify what is going on with me mentally because it directly impacts my mood, how I interact with people and how I am perceived. I just, don’t even have the motivation to fix it, because I don’t know if it will work.

Sometimes I just want to scream. Like, why me? Why do I have all these issues? Why can’t I just get over it?! It makes me furious that I have to manage this along with so many other aspects of my life. I sit around sometimes and I just feel like shit. I don’t know how to explain it or where it comes from, it just happens. Some days can be a very irritable day for me, others can be very emotionally taxing for me. For example, I can feel emotionally I am beginning to crash and burn for the day, and it is only 11:30 am! I want to feel better and what sucks is I have to admit I cannot fix it by myself. I have to seek guidance on how to navigate this foreign part of my existence. Otherwise, it is only going to make me recluse further and further into a deep and dark place.

I’m still working on properly articulating the things I feel on a daily basis; trying different techniques, trying meditating again (I will post more on this on a later date), and just trying to be more in tune to myself individually and what makes me happy. I’m hoping with this, I can begin to heal what parts of me hurt the most, but if it doesn’t help, then I will go back to the professional route. I haven’t revisited it, due to me not wanting to be medicated. I cannot stand having a regimen of pills outside of my vitamins. I’m hoping that if I tune into the natural aspects of life, I can find a way to have better days ahead .