Frustrated AF.

FYI: This will be a post full of a full fledged vent. Something I feel we all would like to do, but feel like it’s not allowed when blogging. Well, screw it. We’re going to jump right into it.

I feel….lost.

2019 did not go exactly how I planned; scratch that, it did not go AT ALL how I planned. I have had a lot of things go completely out of whack, either physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I write this, feeling somewhat disappointed in myself. Here we are, in the last quarter of 2019, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I don’t want to confuse the two things; good things, with things that were not planned, because there were things that happened this year that I am proud of. I took a leap of faith and moved to a new state, started a new beginning with the same field of work and I feel great professionally. I have no complaints and do not foresee me having any for the foreseeable future.

Personally, things fell a part around March. I took a 10-week hiatus from working because I felt like I was deteriorating mentally. I bounced back slightly in June; however, life still just seems to not be as meaningful as I hoped it would be.

I know that I have an issue that needs to be addressed, but when? How? Hell, sometimes I even ask what’s the point? I don’t think I will ever get over feeling the way I do. I know I need to rectify what is going on with me mentally because it directly impacts my mood, how I interact with people and how I am perceived. I just, don’t even have the motivation to fix it, because I don’t know if it will work.

Sometimes I just want to scream. Like, why me? Why do I have all these issues? Why can’t I just get over it?! It makes me furious that I have to manage this along with so many other aspects of my life. I sit around sometimes and I just feel like shit. I don’t know how to explain it or where it comes from, it just happens. Some days can be a very irritable day for me, others can be very emotionally taxing for me. For example, I can feel emotionally I am beginning to crash and burn for the day, and it is only 11:30 am! I want to feel better and what sucks is I have to admit I cannot fix it by myself. I have to seek guidance on how to navigate this foreign part of my existence. Otherwise, it is only going to make me recluse further and further into a deep and dark place.

I’m still working on properly articulating the things I feel on a daily basis; trying different techniques, trying meditating again (I will post more on this on a later date), and just trying to be more in tune to myself individually and what makes me happy. I’m hoping with this, I can begin to heal what parts of me hurt the most, but if it doesn’t help, then I will go back to the professional route. I haven’t revisited it, due to me not wanting to be medicated. I cannot stand having a regimen of pills outside of my vitamins. I’m hoping that if I tune into the natural aspects of life, I can find a way to have better days ahead .

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5 Comments

  1. And here I was, thinking I was the only one that felt this way. From one frustrated blogger to the other, hang in there! Don’t wait for a perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect..You have four months! Can’t wait to read about it…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well my dear niece it is called life. I will jump right in as you say.
    Your gene pool has provided you with an extraordinary source of strengths to draw on. Also, your relationships and every interaction with others and pets will teach you the things that will help you survive.
    Planning- it is a vital part of setting up the frame works of a sound existence, but the most important thing is to be present in the moment. You are gifted with a great amount of think on your feet and the physical prowess to follow through.
    Remember that you are not creating the wheel or how it functions, but looking at how others maneuver ruff patches may offer some insight on how to proceed.
    Mental- Getting out of your head and your way is extremely hard for intelligent people. You set things in motion and then do what it takes to maintain progress. Don’t forget that letting go and having faith will go along way.
    What returned my faith was that I watched a mother duck on a sidewalk with 6 or seven babies behind her journeying to there next destination. The street that had to cross is usually bustling with traffic. I became panicked thinking of the pending doom of her family when she would attempt to continue on this path. By God’s Grace, he cleared the streets of any traffic for the next 5 to 10 minutes. It seemed to be an eternity, but in that instance it was all made clear. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches over me.
    Mental- cleaning life’s chalkboard. If you carry the baggage of yesterdays trials with you everyday how can you then learn new things and look at life with a new perspective. Erase your chalk board nightly, then you are in a better place daily to be present in the moment.
    The partner you chose will help you complete your short comings if allowed. You also need to get involved with others on the daily. Your trials will be diminished when helping someone else on their journey. Think of the mother in a war zone impoverished situation. She knows she need to find food for her family, the test is which child gets the meager amount of food she finds.
    Learning to nurture those around you while you are hurting will dictate how you will be made whole.
    I think your mother and Pam did extremely well. Always remember as a parent you do your best and God will take care of the rest.
    Set a side some me time to cry or to be still will be needed to get back on track.
    Then fluff up, get your hair did, inspire a few others with your writing and realize it is life and know one gets out alive, but by being in the moment and drawing on the strengths of those that came before you and God’s Grace and Mercy you will be able to turn the page start a new chapter and Carry On.
    Unc can be a bit wordy but you get what I am attempting to pass on as a life lesson. Do you and be well. 🙏🏾👍🏾✌🏾💋

    Liked by 1 person

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