How to Forgive Myself

A few days ago, I listened to a guided meditation that provided a lot of perspective on what I have been going through these past couple of weeks.

It was in reference to forgiving yourself, and how often we forget that the most important person that needs forgiveness, is you.

How many of us on a given day, go through the day making personal mistakes; and instead of giving ourselves a little compassion and room to forgive, we unload on ourselves with doubt and major criticism? Why is this ok, when with other we continue to encourage the art of forgiveness?

Personally, I find it difficult to not hold myself to a higher standard in life, because I know better. When I make mistakes, I feel like I’m failing myself, because I should have never made that decision in the beginning. I’ve had to learn to tell myself that times will not always be perfect and will not always fall into place.

Meditating and reflecting on the concept of forgiving myself has been very eye-opening, as I realized there are several things that I find myself being extra critical about myself.

Today, I plan to take more time to forgive myself, and offer myself some benefit of the doubt in regards to situations that arise in my life. I plan to take advantage of the opportunities to be compassionate for my own actions, just as I am able to show compassion to others in their situations. I feel like maybe, this might make things better during the tough times. 🖤

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Forgiveness Is Truly a Gift

Learning the new developments of the Rae Carrutth story have taught me nothing more than this one conclusion; forgiveness is truly a gift for those who have studied and learned it thoroughly.

A couple of days ago, you may have seen an article or two come out about a 15-page letter that Mr. Carruth penned to Rae’s girlfriends mother, detailing how he is now a changed man and how he has now had time to contemplate his mistakes and now wants a chance to fight for custody of his 18-year old son, Chancellor Lee Adams, who has been raised his entire life by his grandmother, Saundra Adams. His mother, Cherica Adams was killed by gunshots wounds inflicted by men who were said to be hired by Carruth to shoot and kill Ms. Adams, who were sentenced to 40 years in prison. As a result of the shooting, Ms. Adams died, and Chancellor suffered brain damage and has cerebral palsy. He has suffered several challenges from birth into his teenage and young adult life.

Rae is due to be release in October 2018, after serving 17 years in prison for his crimes. Mr. Carruth still strongly desires a relationship with his son, and even wants the chance at having custody of him, his argument being that Ms. Adams being older in age and not being around long enough to take care of him. Ms. Adams counters that argument, being confident that there is no way that he will ever have custody of Chancellor, being that he is the very person that wanted him murdered in the first place; and there are several viable family members in place that are willing to take Chancellor should anything ever happen to her.

What struck me to be quite surprising, is that Ms. Saundra even considered the idea of allowing Rae to even allow visitation to happen with Rae and Chancellor after he was released. I read an article that stated that upon his release, she was open to allowing the two to have supervised visitation. She stated that, “I’ve forgiven Rae already, but to have any type of relationship with him, there does have to be some repentance,” Adams said. “And I think this opens the door”

Girl, that’s strength; a strength I wouldn’t know I would have.

I personally have to applaud Ms. Adams in this moment, because I don’t know how many of us would have the qualities to dig deep enough to find it in our hearts to believe that a man has repented their sins, and trusted their own faith to forgive a man who murdered our child, disabled our grandchild and allowed them the opportunity to have a relationship with their living parent. I cannot say right now on this day in 2018 that I have developed that level of forgiveness yet.

I have to say that I believe that Rae most believe that Rae doesn’t deserve the privileges that he’s being given from Ms. Adams. I believe that in my spirit. He’s responsible for her murder and responsible for the dams he done to their child and its even a surprise that he’s being released from jail to see the light of day. In the letter he wrote, even Ms. Adams stated that she can tell that there are parts of him that she can read that are still the same him that she knew so long ago, but still parts of him that she can tell have matured and grown; parts of him she can see may have actually been changed throughout these years of being in prison. He states that’s he’s found God, he’s realized that he needs to take ownership for what he’s done and that he also needs to take responsibility in raising his son; however, one would beg to argue, do you deserve that right after the damage you’ve done to him?

How many of us face situations where we are not mentally, emotionally or spiritually prepared for? I believe this happens on more occasions than we’d like to admit; and we are caught in circumstances where we tend to forgive or make amends with people or compromise in situations where in our spirits we are not particularly ready to. I feel in reading these articles, although Ms. Adams may not have agreed with what Rae did to her daughter, she was ready to forgive him for what he had done, if he had truly done the work within himself to know that what he had done was wrong and he had repented his sins. That is a woman who truly believes in her Word.

Based on further things I’ve read, there is a lot of back and forth about him wanting custody and things of that nature, and I agree wholeheartedly that he should NOT receive custody of his child for many reasons; so I pray that whatever is done is done respectfully and in the best interest of this young man’s safety and well-being because at the end of the day, the focus needs to be on what will be for him and not end up being a fight and mud-slinging contest in the media between his grandparents and his father.

Learning to Forgive and Forget

Do I easily forgive or hold a grudge?

I’ll be honest; depending on what it was that made me upset in the first place, I have the tendency to hold a grudge sometimes. I am definitely one who will forgive but never forget, and I’m not proud of it sometimes.

I know that forgiveness is about letting things go and moving on. You have to be able to let go of what hurt you in order to move on to the next; however, there are times when even the most forgiving person can find that difficult. There have been things that have happened to me that have been hard to let go of; and I have held a bit of a grudge about them. One thing I’ve had to learn was that in order to move on and grow and learn from those experiences is to learn forgiveness.

Some of the strongest people I know have learned the aspect of forgiveness and learned that you can forgive but not forget; and still manage to move on with life in a positive way without having that one experience taint your relationship with a person.

Sipping Tea with the Enemy…I Mean Ex! A Lesson in Forgiveness…

*REBLOG* Still a very interesting question…and one of the most interesting movie endings I’ve seen in a while!

Write, Live and Love

So I just got done watching the movie, Black Coffee on BET.  The movie was quite interesting; but the part that caught my attention the most was the end.  I will explain it a little:

Robert was dating Mita at the beginning of the movie.  Well, Robert lost his job, and his woman because she was a gold-digger, and not the sharpest pencil in the bunch if you get what I mean.  Mita moved on to Robert’s boss, in which she drained him financially, and was willing to give up the company in order for Robert to take Mita back.  Needless to say, his boss was stuck with her.

In between all this, Morgan had met Robert, and they had become very interested with each other.

Meanwhile, Morgan and Hill had been divorced for like 3 years, and had just recently started to see if they could rekindle their relationship. …

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Forgiveness: A Reflection on Its Impact

I recently listened to a powerful message regarding forgiveness and it made me reflect on my feelings towards the concept of forgiveness and how I have allowed it to impact my life and dealings with situations when it comes to forgiving others.

One thing I know about forgiveness; it’s scary as hell.  No one wants to forgive anyone,  lol.  When you’re mad, you want to stay mad at someone FOREVA *insert Cardi B voice*.  This unfortunately cannot always be the case, though; and as we continue to thrive and grow into adults, we have to learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is that one thing that we all fear, because we know it means that we will eventually have to make amends with someone that we truly don’t want to; but I think the one thing we tend to forget is that we do not have to forget what happened with that person.  Forgiving someone does not negate that something bad happened to them or excuses someone’s behavior by any means; it simply means that you are pardoning what someone has done to you and no longer holding it against them.  It is oftentimes something easier said than done.

One of the most important things I got from this message about forgiveness was that you have to remember that it is not right to seek vengeance against that person, no matter how much hurt you feel in your heart.  It is second nature to want to hurt the person just as much, if not more than they hurt you; just so they can feel the same way you felt in the end.  When you act with that mentality, you have to ask yourself, who does that really benefit in the end?  Do you really feel any better about the situation after using all that energy to inflict all of that pain and revenge on someone else?  I have been through that as well, and it really didn’t serve me any real purpose in the end; I still felt the same way even while trying to seek all that revenge.

As I get older and begin to embrace a new level of maturity, I begin to embrace a level of forgiveness.  I begin to look at life and understand that life is too short to continue to hold on to issues that are not worth the energy or negativity that we put into them.  I feel like when you begin to wonder why you are still mad about something, it is time to re-evaluate whether or not you need to start the process towards forgiveness.  As I grow, I learn; and as I learn, I better myself.

A Second Chance at a Better Relationship

Everyone deserves second chances and new opportunities to make things better.  I’ve been awarded more second chances in life than I can count; and definitely more than I probably deserved.  As I reflect on the things that I have been through, I can’t help but be grateful for the second chances I have had or have given, because they’ve been beneficial.

When I was younger, I thought that my father and I would have one of the greatest relationships in the world.  We enjoy the same things (and still do I’m sure), and in some ways are pretty similar in action and personality.  I never thought the relationship I have, would be the one that would manifest into my adult life.  I thought it would have been better, but situations and circumstances occurred; and as a result, my father and I did not have the best relationship growing up.

I used to be ashamed to say that I didn’t have a decent relationship with my father.  There have been years of unspoken words and lost time between us; and it was hard to admit at first.  As I’ve grown, I’ve realized that things between us are not the best, but they are a lot better than they have been. 

There was a level of pain that came with the lack of connection with my father.  It hurt to not be able to have that bond with my father, but I was stubborn as well (a trait I inherited from my mother, lol).  I was playing this “I’m the child, and he should come to me” role; and truthfully, I feel in some ways that ship has sailed.  Yes, there were things that my father did to me or made me feel that he should probably make the first move in rectifying, but as far as us communicating on a better spectrum, I am old enough to pick up my phone and talk to my dad if I choose.  I don’t need my mother to encourage me, nor do I need him to make the first move.  I own a phone, I am grown, I know how to talk; if I want to make the first move, there is nothing wrong with that.

When I had my daughter, I saw an opportunity for a second chance for both of us to get it right.  It gave us a starting point for something to talk about. I started by telling him how she was doing and upgraded to sending pictures whenever he asked about her and us.  

This week, for the first time, he is spending an entire week with her where he lives.  I was nervous at first; moreso for Kynnedy being in a place she’s never been before.  After stressing about it for weeks, I decided to start talking about it with her and she became very excited about seeing him.  I told my dad all he would need to know about a week with Kynnedy, and soon enough, everyone was excited about it.

It had taken me a long time to get to this point; letting my dad keep Kynnedy, but I can’t recall having any apprehension to doing it.  I always wondered if he wanted to keep my daughter, because he’s had my nephew several times.  I didn’t know if I was supposed to ask first, or if he was going to tell me when he wanted to see her.  After talking to my sister, I decided to just sit down and pick a weekend for it to happen.  

I didn’t want to rob my father of the opportunity to be in his granddaughter’s life.  I didn’t want my issues (whatever they may be) to hinder the opportunity for her to find and develop her own relationship with her grandpa, because my mother never did that to me.  I want my dad and Kynnedy to have the best relationship possible.  I want her to be able to spend as much time as she can with him, no matter how long it is.  She has so many sets of grandparents, and she wants to see them all.  I couldn’t exclude my father from that, just because of things that happened between us that had nothing to do with Kynnedy. 

So here’s to second chances at better relationships; and new opportunities for added memories. 

-Whit C. 

Trust and Forgiveness. 

Everyone has to battle with the concept of trust and forgiveness at some point of their lives with someone in their lives that they care strongly about.  Lately, I’ve been seeing these 2 things going hand-in-hand with each other, because without initially trusting someone, how can you really forgive them?  I feel that on some level, if you don’t forgive someone, it is sort of like saying you don’t trust that they won’t do it again.  

At some point or another, the person that has done some type of wrong to you is going to ask you to forgive them, and trust that they won’t do whatever it was they did again.  It always sounds something like this:

“Please forgive me.  I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to change.  Trust me.”

“I won’t do that again, I promise.”

These are just examples, but you get the picture.  Now, at this point, you are faced with a dilemma: You have to figure out whether you are going to trust that they are telling the truth, and find a way to forgive them of their transgressions, and try to move forward with your lives.

Let’s face it, people lie to you and they abuse your trust at some point in life.  I believe that in some cases, people will try and test you and see just how many times they can get over on you with the same thing, and you continuously forgive them before the straw breaks the camel’s back.  You can go on for days, weeks, months or even years consistently saying “I’ll give you one more chance” and hope that the time you say it is the last time; however, that person you are in the heat of it with has other plans for you.

Over the years, I have found that this is possibly one of the hardest combinations to have to handle.  Most people find it hard to continue to forgive a person numerous times after you have gone through countless battles and disagreements with that person.  You often wonder “why am I even bothering with this anymore?”  Chances are, this is a person that means a lot to you and you want to see the very best in them.  For this reason, you muster up enough to say “hey, I think things will be different this time.”  Sometimes you succeed, sometimes it’s an epic fail and the cycle continues to plague you.

So, with this big, fat, ugly dilemma; what happens when you lose the ability to forgive someone for something they have done to you?  What happens when you can no longer trust a friend or loved one who means a lot to you because of the battles you have faced with them? And what if that person has changed for the better, how do you battle with forgiving that person and having trust in their changed ways? 

For once, I don’t have an answer of my own to share; as I am continuing to find the answers within myself on how to go about this aspect in my life.  It is not easy, and I pray to find a way for it to work for me (were always a working progress in some aspect of life).  I believe it does take a lot of strength and growth to move past something like this, because trust is a big deal.  When you can’t trust someone, everything seems to have a domino effect. 

I hope that for all of you, you have ways to deal with these things and if you do, please share.  I think it could really help someone battling with this specific aspect of life.  🙂