Choose. Yourself. Every. Time.

So, a lot has happened in the last 12 weeks or so, things that have made my begin a transition into a new chapter in my life that I am so excited for. It also taught me a valuable lesson about myself.

So, in April, due to my own personal mental health, I took a leave of absence from my job. There were several things (most importantly the environment and that’s all I’ll say) that we’re getting to me professionally and personally and I needed a break. Well I took a very healthy break from that place. 10 weeks. In that 10 weeks, I realized that I had to start choosing myself, my family, my life, my health first. So I made the decision to finally cut ties with the job I’d known for almost 5 years.

May 28, I said goodbye to my old job; no second job lined up, no real plan. But i knew that I needed to cleanly break away. So I told them that after my leave was completed, I won’t be returning. I’m sure there were whispers, rumors, discussion about me; but I don’t care. This decision was made because of that kind of behavior and I was not about to walk back into that.

May 30, I had an interview with another state agency, same position but better pay. I went and interviewed, and that day I received a call that they wanted to move forward with me; only 2 DAYS after I quit.

Yesterday, after all the formalities, I got my official job offer from the state of North Carolina. I start in a week and a half. All it took was 12 days to secure my new plan. I’ll be in the same field, but in a different state and I’m thoroughly excited.

When I quit my job, I asked God to put what is for me in front of me. He wasted NO time. I thought I’d be sitting around with no job for months, but He knew all I wanted was to be in a positive environment doing what I love.

What I learned from all this was this: in life, sometimes you have to take a leap; a leap into the unknown and it’s very scary. It took months for my family to convince me that this was the best option for me. It took even longer for me to convince myself. I’ve wanted to quit my job for over 6 months, and i finally gathered the strength in May 2019. You have to trust that whatever is meant for you, is waiting on the other side of you to release whatever is toxic and negative in your life. Toxic energy and new beginnings cannot both fit into your life comfortably. And I’ve made the choice that toxicity has no place in my life. Plus, the people who want worse for you always end up LOSING in the end.

Please, don’t hold on to negativity. Release that crap and get what’s yours out of life. I wasted too much time holding on to negative things; fear, doubt, worry, that I have let life pass me by and it only led to mental health issues. Not anymore.🖤

I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life. I also need new work clothes…lol.

If I took anything from this experience in my life, and all the emotions tied to it, it is this; CHOOSE YOURSELF EVERY TIME. I’m done doing things out of the approval of others. I have started a life where I choose myself and I’m very happy with it. Now, onto the next chapter in life.

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“You Don’t Look Sick” – Why You Should Stop Saying This

A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor to discuss an extension on medical leave that I had. I had a conversation with him about what I was experiencing in relation to my depression and anxiety. During the conversation, he made a statement to me that sort of bothered me. He said “you don’t look like the typical person to have anxiety. You look pretty put together to me.”

My response, which was a bit laced with sarcasm and irritation, was, “well, I’ve learned to live with it; and that’s not been the best solution to the problem.”

Now, I understand that this was 1. Not a psychiatrist or psychologist, and he probably didn’t mean it in a way that would have been condescending to me, and 2. He hasn’t been the one seeing me for the past five months, so he’s gauging his interaction of me off one visit; however, it did bother just a bit, because this is a statement heard all the time in a community of people suffering with mental illness, or an illness that doesn’t mean you “look sick” all the time.

I rarely did speak about the anxiety and depression I have gone through for this very reason. Because it was something that was not apparent, or something that was physical in nature, I continued to minimize it; even saying to myself, “well you’re not really sick, you’re just having a bad day.” I allowed myself to do that, all while putting myself through mental and emotional hell for not addressing it properly. Today, that is something I’m not very proud of, and wished I would have addressed these things sooner. I would possibly be in a better place on how to address it. For a long time, I refused to talk about what bothered me; most of the time I could not even develop a “valid” reason for my emotional mood swings or anxiety. Before I could allow anyone else in the help support me, I first had to choose myself and begin to find the healing in myself to accept that what I was going through was real, it was valid and it does require support, encouragement and daily motivation to get past.

I don’t really hold any ill will towards my doctor, but I honestly do wish that people would understand that anxiety and depression are very silent mental illnesses. A lot of people internalize their pain and symptoms. If they are like me, then they continue to move through life daily, doing what they have to do, sacrificing everything they have for others before helping themselves. I’ve always been like this, and only recently did I gain enough courage to admit to myself that I’m not ok sometimes, and that is something I shouldn’t be ashamed of. I’m proud to say that I have spoken up more about my anxiety, I’ve let friends and family know when I’m not having a good day emotionally, and I’ve received respect and understanding of that.

I know there are many people in this world who may suffer; some reading this post, and others who may know someone who suffers in silence. All I ask is that for those who know someone, please support them. Don’t push them too hard, but just be there for them. They need support more than anything because these illnesses are not easy to accept, nor are they easy to talk about.

Also, please, don’t tell someone who may be suffering that they don’t look like what your traditional ill person would appear to be. Just because an illness isn’t blatantly present, doesn’t make it any less real and serious.

Taking it one day at a time. 🖤

🖤🖤

Don’t Let Comparison Steal Your Joy

I’m sure we have all heard the quote “comparison is the thief of all joy.”

We as humans live in a world where comparison happens without knowledge. You see a person with a better job, better car, better house, etc. and sometimes we cannot help but compare our lives to others.

What we don’t realize is, when we do this, we take small bits and pieces of our joy away from us. Constant comparisons to other people’s lives does nothing but put you in a position to be pessimistic about your life; or on the flip side, it can cause you to look at others’ lives as inferior to yours (if you are comparing what you have that is better than someone else), and that is a negative trait that no one should want to inherit.

Count your blessings more than counting what you lack: it’s all about your mindset. If you focus on what you have, you will spend less time talking about what you lack. What you have in your life at the time in your life is tailor made for your success. Comparing your life to someone’s else’s doesn’t bring about any positive feelings, because no one’s life is the same, and the timeline for what you want and need in life is not the same as another person’s.

Focus on your goals and how to achieve them: instead of comparing yourself to what others have, try focusing your energy on achieving the goals you have for yourself to project

Just a Few Gems I Keep Close.

There is no shame in needing.

Sometimes, you have to cry for no reason to find peace.

Sometimes, life is hard. Life hurts. And it can suck. But it gets better with time.

Time truly does heal all things; let time consume your pain.

You have to dig deep for happiness; it’s ok to admit that you’re not always in a great mood.

Don’t entertain foolishness and don’t let negative energy in your space.

You. Are. Lit. Don’t forget that shit.

Queens never stop fighting.

Take 5 deep breaths and handle that shit.

Live in peace.

Be aggressive in your ambition.

A letter to 2019.

I went through some very interesting circumstances this year; some that I’ve never been through before, some even that I have barely been ok enough to talk about. I wasn’t always being 100% for the important people in my life. I wasn’t present for a lot of people I love this year. I wasn’t present for myself. I didn’t set boundaries like I talked about, and I allowed people to take me for granted. I started to question things that I’ve learned, and things I’ve adapted to and wondered if they truly were for me. I was blessed to see another 365 days, and I pray I see another 365 more.

I wanted to make mention of the things that didn’t go quite right for me, in order to set myself up to be more motivated to make sure I don’t repeat the same things. Some of the times I had this past year have been some of the lowest of my life, but my hope is not to dwell on those things; but rather reflect and adjust accordingly so that they don’t happen again.

In 2019, I don’t want to make any big resolutions or anything, but I want to affirm put into the universe that I will truly love me first. When I say love me first, I mean set the boundaries I didn’t set, put the intentions out in the world that will help me evolve. I want to say what I want with strength and weight behind it and don’t make bullshit promises to myself. I want to set a goal, a real one and actually put in the work to achieve it. I want to attain the success I know I’m capable of, and stop acting like good things can’t happen to me.

There are a few things I’d like to step out of the box and try, and I’m making it my mission to do those things in 2019. I’ve realized the only thing stopping me is my own apprehension and doubtful energy. So this year, my goal will be to create the right kind of energy spaces for me to evolve and become my best self, because I know I’m destined for things far better than what they have been, and my only goal is to always stay on the grind to achieve that.

With all this being said, I am hopeful for positive energy. I am aiming for a successful year and meaningful transitions. 2018 is a year that broke me down, but 2019 will be the year I am rebuilt and reborn.

Watch out.

Things I Now Have Come to Learn about Life

  • There’s no age requirement on having purpose in life. Some people go their whole lives and not know their purpose. But find one, and hold on to it, no matter when you do.
  • You’re not always going to like the hand your dealt, the goal is to play that hand to the best of your ability.
  • Put more energy into your happiness instead of dwelling on the bad stuff.
  • Sometimes, you’ll be really low; lower than you’d ever imagined. But remember, you can only go up from your lowest point.
  • Smile more, frown less.
  • Do not put energy into things that won’t mean you any good. Your energy is too valuable to waste.
  • Tell people you love and appreciate them, even if it’s for the smallest things.
  • Don’t be afraid to be wrong. Being wrong is how you learn.
  • The strongest person in the room, most times is the person holding on with everything they have.
  • Take time to be still. Enjoy the present. Because this moment is only as good as you make it the first time.