*just some random thoughts on this Sunday afternoon I decided to make public*

We are so much for so many people in our lives; we wear so many hats, and come to everyone’s rescue.

But on the flip side, those same women want and need so badly to submit to someone who can truly love them. some, who are or have been holding their lives together by themselves for an extended period of time, long to want to find refuge in the opportunity to properly submit to a man willing to step up. I don’t say that to say that women want men for the simple idea of taking the responsibilities they don’t want, or because they’re tired. But some women also want the dynamics that come with having a partner that is right by their side mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

As I continue through my healing journey, I find that I see myself in these two spaces: hyper-sensitive and nervous.

Nervous about being “too much” , but also nervous about not being enough.

Nervous about how to be assertive, but also sensitive to the idea that that assertiveness will backfire.

Nervous about being vulnerable, while also not appearing desperate.

Nervous about demanding too much, and trying damn hard not to settle for “just good enough”.

Is it so hard to wonder when someone can step up, and simply see me for who I am, and taking the time to understand and appreciate who I am. It is so draining to be perceived as a person I am not. And it’s something I struggle with on a regular basis.

I don’t want to be pitied, or coddled. I am not looking for sympathy. I am only accepting accountability; action complementing words. I don’t want a partner absent of flaws; I want to plant a seed to blossom and grow.

I endured being a woman who poured all of themselves into a man who didn’t appreciate it. I sat by and watched as I was emotionally manipulated and left empty when what I thought was change was merely a way to muzzle my concerns. It came to a point where I was tolerated, and not truly loved. A realization that broke me to my lowest point. It broke me to the point where I was no longer interested in marriage; a large reason being that I wasn’t worthy of it, and no one would want me.

I don’t want a love that is brought to me on the pity platter. I spent so much of my life being someone I wasn’t, and also being accused of being someone I’m not. If I’m being honest, I still go through it today. I don’t want anyone in my life who cannot find the wonderful things that make me who I am. I will never be a perfect woman; but I will be loving, supportive, dutiful, happy, trusting, and joyful woman for the man who enters my life ready to receive what I have to give.

Although the wait is tedious, I find joy in just the thought of how joyful it will be to be able to love someone fully and unapologetically in this new stage of my life. To be able to show the growth, and maturity that has risen out of the mistakes I have made previously. While I’m not perfect, I know what kind of partner I have learned to be, and what kind of partner I desire to have in my life.

I cannot wait to be in love..….the right way. ❤️