“My past does not dictate who I am or have become today.”
This quote popped in my head this morning and prompted me to write some things down. This month has been very emotional; a lot more than I thought it would be. But as I reflect on what has caused these emotions, I also look at how I’ve grown and how I’ve changed.
I was not a perfect person for a long time; suffering from depression and anxiety and sometimes, and I was unreliable (sometimes I’m still not but I’m learning). I made big mistakes in my life and in relationships with people I love.
I’m still not a perfect person; however, I appreciate anyone who has chosen to forgive me. I appreciate the people who gave me a chance to change (even if it wasn’t immediate). I appreciate the fact that my family still loves me despite how flawed I’ve been in my life.
There are days I wish I could turn back time and redo so many things in life. I wish I could have had the chance to make better choices, fight harder, love harder, forgive harder. But this world sets you down paths that we don’t understand, and all we can do is hope that we understand the process as we go through it.
When a person is attempting to change, they want to be taken seriously. Oftentimes, trust is a big factor in that. I understand this because I’ve been in this same place; not trusting that a person will change for the better. I’ve been in situations where I was not being given the chance to show that I’ve changed. As I went through this, I wanted the opportunity to not be seen as the person I was, or be judged by the mistakes I’ve made. I wanted to be seen as the person I’ve become, the lessons I’ve learned and the changes I’ve made.
Life is a funny thing. You go down a path and think that is your path. I’ve learned that sometimes life does not go as planned. You screw up, you make mistakes, you hurt people, and sometimes you lose people. People you thought would always be in your corner. When you feel that shift, it feels horribly painful and unexpected. But if you focus on your growth and progression in life, the shift will be worth it; even if the things and people you once had may never come back to you.