Happy Birthday.

My child,

Please forgive me, for I may not always do my best by you, but I would give my life for yours at a moments notice.

I may not always know the rhythm of your existence, but I will dance beside you anyway.

My timing may be skewed; when you need me I may be distant and when you seek independence I may hover,

But know it is because the beat of my heart changed to match yours on that sunny afternoon in April.

You may find it odd that I stare at you for countless minutes while you sleep.

Or want to hold you even when you don’t want to be held,

But I know that you will live on past me so I need to take any opportunity as a chance to make memories with you.

So when I’m gone, you can always have our moments to put on repeat in your mind.

I knew you would always be a part of the reason I lived, so I tried to make better efforts in your name.

I hope one day you can look back and say you were proud of me, that you were honored that God made us soul mates.

When I watch you, you know, those times when you don’t notice me watching you,

I wonder if God made a mistake.

Did He really believe I was able to handle the amount of love I have for you in this lifetime?

Because my one fear in this world is that I won’t have enough time..

I won’t have enough time to give you every ounce of the love I have for you in this lifetime.

I only pray that I tell you I love you enough.

I hope that I hug you enough,

That I give you enough kisses,

That I make you laugh enough.

And even if I gave you enough of all of these things to last 5 lifetimes, I would still feel like I need to do it all just one more time for good measure.

I don’t know if there’s enough love to go around after you’ve stolen my heart.

As I watch you, even when you don’t notice me watching you.

Praying that you know that I’ll always love more than my soul could possibly take.

My child,

Always remember that our love is the happy place that I’ve longed for,

And I pray one day you will know this love all your own.

K.N.C

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My Daughter Wanted a Doll that Didn’t Look Like Her; Here’s How I Responded.

My daughter and I made a promise. Two weeks ago, she saw a doll in Walmart that she wanted, but didn’t get at the time. Now, of course, she thought that she could ask for it the next day and receive. I told her no and made a deal that if she had a good week at school (which is pretty normal for her), we would go to the store and get the doll. She was excited and did very well with not mentioning it to me all week (I was more shocked at that part, lol).

So, fast forward to Friday. We are at the store and we prepare to pick up the doll. To my surprise, she wants the Caucasian doll. I was a little surprised at first, and thought that between the first time she saw the doll and Friday, she might have not cared about the color of the doll. To my surprise, she remembered exactly what doll she wanted, and despite my minimal efforts of persuasion to pick the brown colored doll, she refused.

So, we walked out of Walmart that day, Caucasian doll in hand and my child grinning from ear to ear. Did it bother me? Not really. I left that battle in the toy aisle at Walmart because when her mind was made up, it was made up, and I didn’t want to taint the experience of her receiving a toy “just because it’s Friday” on a petty argument about the skin color of a doll that she truthfully doesn’t even understand the depth of. I tried to ask her about why she didn’t want the doll who’s skin color matched hers, and she didn’t really have an answer (I didn’t really expect her to, but this kid surprises me sometimes); so I left the topic alone for the day, and let her enjoy her doll.

That interaction taught me something about my daughter that I didn’t realize was so prevalent in children at such a young age. Kynn does not care what color her dolls are; she only cares that she can play with one. She loves Elsa and Anna just as much as she loves Moana and Tiana. She has brown skinned dolls, and also Caucasian dolls. Kynn doesn’t pick sides, she’s just a kid and likes to play. She wants to be like the kids she sees on commercials and YouTube videos who have these toys, and if it is a white doll, she wants that doll; if she’s brown, she wants that doll. She’s very exact in her intentions and wants, and I can’t fault her for the specifications she wants on toys based on what she sees.

I felt a little guilty for trying to push the agenda of “why don’t you get the brown doll” on her, once I realized the oddly placed “what does it matter?!” look on her face, lol. For me, there was a deeper meaning to it all, but it also led me to a deeper realization about my daughter.

There are so many avenues of life in which brown girls are under- and misrepresented in society. I want my daughter to be able to see a doll that she identifies with, and if it’s not a doll that she identifies with via color, I believe a deeper understanding of what she’s exposed to daily comes into question. I notice a lot of the movies she watches, or YouTube videos that are viral and popular don’t have many girls of color. She sees the things she sees on television commercials or YouTube ads and wants exactly what she sees; and oftentimes that may not be a doll of color.

I really just want her to be able to understand that dolls of color hold a special place in our hearts. To look on shelves and see a doll in the likeness of our favorite Disney princess, or our childhood idols is a privilege that some thought we’d never see, and I want to be able to represent that in my household and in any way that I can. But, I also have to understand that as a toddler, Kynn does not understand nor care the importance of that just yet, and in time, she will evolve and understand.

With children, if you want them to identify with something, you have to expose them to it. I believe that one should not force certain things in children, because they are very smart and can form opinions about that type of behavior quicker than we think. I think it’s about immersing your child in all cultural opportunities, paying attention to the things they enjoy and show them the many sides to it, and even embracing what they choose; even when it’s not what you want them to choose.

Big Girl Moves!

When you have children, you never know what to cherish; what moments to etch into your memory, what silly things to photograph or put on video, or what things you should never take for granted. As parents, we try to make everything a lasting moment, but sometimes that’s not possible. Today, I had a brief moment of sadness, as i realized my daughter is truly beginning to own her independence.

So…

We usually walk Kynn up to the school and drop her off right in the front so she can walk from there. We do this for 2 main reasons; 1- it gives us the opportunity to still make sure she gets into the school, and 2- it’s quicker than the parent drop off line.

I remember one day, my husband told me that he took her through the parent drop off line at school (for reasons that escape me now). We didn’t think much of it, because she really didn’t mention it after that, until lately.

Lately, Kynn has been very adamant that she wants to “walk by herself” (get dropped off) instead of us walking her. We refused it a few times, which she wasn’t happy about, but finally, the other day my husband started taking her back through the parent drop off. Now, this typically doesn’t phase me because he takes her and I pick her up from school.

Yesterday, due to Brandon being out of town for work, I took Kynn to school this morning. On our way there, I called my husband and he mentioned her walking up to school by herself. She said that she wanted me to drop her off, and she was a big girl and could walk to school by herself now. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little in my feelings about it, lol. I guess you could say that I was being a little selfish about our moment to walk up to the school, and being able to see her meet up with her friends and walk to her hallway.

So, instead of parking and walking her in, I took my place in the drop off line as requested. So here I was, in the line we said we’d never go in (mainly because it’s typically long as hell lol). Once it was Kynn’s turn, she took her seatbelt off, told me bye and hopped out of the car. The principal was there (he and several other teachers will escort the kids to the door or the school) and walked her right up to the door. She didn’t even look back, Lol. She was very happy though, and that’s what’s more important.

I tried to watch her, but I had to keep the line moving, so I drove on. I can admit that I had a few mixed feelings about this. I couldn’t help it, my little firecracker is now becoming a big kid right before my eyes. She’s developing her own personality and space and she expresses how she want things done her way.

I realized today that time is moving faster than I ever imagined. We are technically halfway through her first year of school, and before i know it, she’ll officially be in elementary school. I will admit there are a lot of things we do not restrict her from or constantly hover for, because we know we have a very independent child, but me and my husband do still have a few moments here and there where we know we are needed, and we take advantage of those moments because we know they are becoming more non-existent than we are ready for.

I try to prepare her for the world and what it has for her, but the reality is I never will know what’s in store for her life. Only God knows what path Kynn is destined to take. I know she knows she still has her parents in her corner always, but I feel like this is one of those little steps towards a more mature adolescent. What I do know and look forward to though, are those special moments when she does still need me, and best believe, I’ll always be by her side for as long as she needs me. 🖤

Sometimes We All Need a Break, Even Your Kid!

Despite what others may think, it is perfectly normal for you and your children to want some time apart from one another.  Just like any other relationship, kids get sick of their parents, and parents get sick of always being around their children.  I believe this is why we take advantage of the opportunities when our children are sent to be with family.
A couple of weeks ago, my father picked up my daughter and nephew for a couple days.  For my sister, it’s partially a relief (she still has two more boys with her), but for my husband and I, we couldn’t have been more elated to get some alone time, and also give our daughter some time to see my father, so I’m sure she was just as excited to get away from us as well, lol.
Whenever I tell someone that I take every opportunity to let my daughter stay with a family member or go spend a week with someone, they always ask me how I am able to do it so easily.  I’m not going to sit here and say that I just pawn her off to every family member at the drop of a hat; but I am also not going to say that I am a complete mess while she is gone.  I believe it’s a combination of things.
First, knowing and trusting whoever she is with, helps ease the mind a bit.  I don’t have to put my parents or grandparents on a hawk eye’s watch with my child, because I trust them and know that they would take care of her just as well (if not better possibly, lol) whenever she is with them.  I mean, they took care of me and my husband, and we turned out ok, right?
Secondly, I know my daughter gets sick and tired of looking at her parents all the time and wants to visit with other family; and that is perfectly normal and ok.  People do not understand that children are humans as well.  They do not always want to be up under their parents all the time, just like their parents don’t want to be up under them, LOL.  That’s why it is beneficial to always have a support system around that your kids know and love as well, to give them a mini vacation every now and then also.  My daughter would always go on trips, have sleepovers and hang out with family, because I knew that would give her time to spend time with loved ones and friends and if she ever got the opportunity to do so, I would give it to her.
Third, ALL PARENTS NEED A BREAK SOMETIMES!  I love my daughter to the ends of this Earth, but it doesn’t mean I don’t need a break as well.  And there is nothing wrong with you needing a break from parenting.  Being a parent is one of my greatest joys, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world; however, that doesn’t mean that if someone didn’t give me the opportunity to have a kid-free vacation, I wouldn’t take it!  There’s only so much one can take when you’re constantly in “mommy” or “daddy” mode for a good portion of your day.  Adults need to step outside of that bubble and get some adult human interaction as well.
We can be the best parents God set us out to be, but that does not mean we do not still deserve the opportunities to enjoy life.  There are times when we enjoy the great wonders of life with our children, and also times that are meant to enjoy moments of life with other adults.  Just like I need time to enjoy being an adult, my daughter needs time to enjoy seeing her family, and being a kid.  I give her every opportunity to interact with other kids and other family, and it gives us just enough time to miss each other, so once we are back together again, we can enjoy each other’s presence again!

That Question We All Love to Hate

Now that our daughter is three years old, it is not very often that time goes by when someone is asking my husband and I this one aching question:
“When are y’all going to have another baby???
Jokingly, we always tell them a number of different answers:
  • “I don’t know”
  • “Soon”
  • “When you start helping pay for 2 children”
The third one always gets laughter out of most; however, that is possibly the most serious out of the three answers.  While I appreciate everyone’s desire for us to have another bundle of joy, it is definitely a big decision to make right now, especially with a child not quite in school. There are also so many other things to consider, that it is definitely in the conversation, but I’m a person of timing and planning; and despite people telling me in my past you can’t prepare and plan for a child, I believe after the first baby, you can plan on how and when you want to have your second, third, etc.
Having a child has to be the most beautiful blessing I’ve had in my life by far.  Watching my child grow up everyday is truly is amazing.  On the other side of that, I do notice times when she longs for a sibling.  She does have her cousin with her, who is 8 days younger than her; however, she is also getting to the age where she is also asking her mommy and daddy for a baby brother and sister, and also claiming friends as her own siblings.  I haven’t read up on it, but I’m sure somewhere, that may be a sign of a child wanting a sibling, lol.
I know I’m not alone in this; I know several married couples who get a similar question, but simply put, most people who are watching you live your life, become successful and prosperous want to see that next milestone, and to them that means children in their eyes. I know several people who hate having the question asked of them, and others who don’t quite mind it as much.
There are some circumstances in which I don’t mind the question; when it comes from my family because I know they are comfortable with our overall decision to plan this out strategically for our family; however, that doesn’t stop them from getting that grandma-auntie-cousin itch for a new bundle of joy in the family.  It’s understandable, but all things will happen in God’s timing.
I do believe in either situation, there are things that people should definitely consider when pressuring a married couple to have children.  We all are aware that that is the next step in life; however, everyone’s circumstance is different.  I beg of you to proceed with this question with caution and consideration for that couple’s situation.  I don’t personally ask anyone when they are having a baby because of several things:
  1. The woman may not be able to conceive or may be having fertility issues
  2. They may simply not want children of their own, and some find it offensive
  3. They may not be in a comfortable place financially or professionally to expand their family (no matter what we say, I still believe that some level of financial and career stability is needed prior to having children)
  4. Some couples would rather spend as much time doing what they want to do, before having a child; because we all know children add a layer of complexity to our social lives and free time.
I can assure that the greater majority of the population would love to have children; however, there are a lot of factors that come into preparing your life for a baby, no matter what society may tell you, even before the actual conception.  Allow your married friends time to ensure they are ready to start their family, and don’t pressure them to do it on your time. 😃