The Pain is Still There

Sometimes, I still cry.

Sometimes I see something, read something; and it triggers a memory.

Good memories piss me off; because they ended up never meaning anything in the first place.

Bad memories piss me off because they were always bad.

Sometimes I’d rather hate you then to see you happy; block your number, your social media, ban any existence of you in my mind so I can move on… irks me to see your smile; like I was some fucked up part of your life and now you’re free. Like you couldn’t find a way to smile with me…..but I never thought I was that horrible. But maybe I was.

I just want the memories, the pain, the tears to stop.

But sometimes it’s still there……and I hate it.

So I’d rather just retreat to my safe space, let my tears flow and keep my distance. Because it’s easier than hiding my pain behind a smile all the time.